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Maw and Paw at the Carnival . . . ! Maw and Paw went to town one day and the carnival had set up in the field beside the courthouse. They watched the folks on the Ferris wheel yelling and screaming from the excitement, and Paw said, "I sure would like to ride that thing". Maw said, "Paw, it'd cost $10 for us to ride. That's a lot of money and we can't afford it". The next year they were back in town and the carnival was set up in the same place. They watched the folks yelling and screaming on the ferris wheel, and Paw said, "Maw, I sure would like to ride that thing". Maw said, "Paw, I told you $10 is a lot of money. We can't afford it". The third year they were back in town and, once again, the carnival was set up in the same place. They watched the folks yelling and screaming on the Ferris wheel again and Paw said, "Maw, you know I'm getting pretty old and I might not have a lot of years left. I sure would like to ride that thing one time before I die". Maw said, "Paw, I told you $10 is a lot of money and we can't afford it". The Ferris wheel operator remembered the couple from the past years and, feeling sorry for Paw, said, "If you folks can ride the Ferris wheel and not yell or scream, I'll let you ride it free". Maw and Paw got on and had made a couple of trips around when Maw fell out. After a while the operator finally noticed Maw was gone and stopped the Ferris wheel as fast as he could. He asked Paw, "Dang, man . . . why didn't you holler at me and let me know she fell out" ? Paw said, "Cause $10 is a lot of money" !!! The Elderly ..! An elderly gentleman . . . Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% . The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times !" Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel ?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really ? Li k e a new born baby ?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants." An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant ?" The first man thought and thought and
finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give
to someone you love ? You know... The one that's
red and has thorns." Hospital regulations require a wheel
chair for patients being discharged. However, while
working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already
dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who
insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital. After
a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him
to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his
wife was meeting him. Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen ?" he asks. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream ?" "Sure." "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it ?" she asks. "No, I can remember it." He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." "I'd also like whipped cream I'm
certain you'll forget that, write it down ?" she asks. She stares at the plate for a moment. . . "Where's my toast ?" A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married ?" "Yep !" "Do I know her ?" "Nope !" "This woman, is she good looking ?" "Not really." "Is she a good cook ?" "Naw, she can't cook too well." "Does she have lots of money ?" "Nope! Poor as a church mouse." "Well, then, is she good in bed ?" "I don't know." "Why in the world do you want to marry her then ?" "Because she can still drive !" Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it ?" Second one says, "No, it's Thursday !" Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer." A man was telling his neighbor, "I
just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars,
but it's state of the art. It's perfect." Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you ?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'" The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur . . . be careful." Old Lady . . ! A group of old people were sat round in a nursing home, watching TV and chatting back and forth. Then, suddenly, one old lady stood up and raised her her clenched fist in the air and said "Whoever can guess what I am holding in my hand can have sex with me !" A very old gentleman sat at the back said "An elephant !" The old lady said "Thats close enough !" Another Old Lady . . ! A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm Is very close to that house. I would happily walk you there but I can't carry this lot all that way." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand ?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time." The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in that alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me ?" The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady ! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that also ?" The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens." The Threesome . . ! I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was a right sort for 55 . . . we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog and she asked if I'd ever had the "Sportsman's double" . . . a mother and daughter three-some ? I said "No." We drank a bit more, then she says tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum you still awake ?" Marriage . . ! An 80 year old lady was being interviewed by the local news station because she had just gotten married . . . for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director. The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked her why she had married four men with such diverse careers. She smiled and explained . . . "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go" The Back Fence . . ! This old couple were sitting in a booth in the village pub, having a beer together, when the husband leaned over and asked his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago ? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made wild passionate love to you." "Yes, she says, "I remember it well." "OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake ?" "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but wonderful idea !" There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them outside. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. He thinks, I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this ?" The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence." Let There Be Light . . ! Ed was 89 years old and went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith was a friend and said, "Ed, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally ? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God ?" Ed replied, "God and me are
fine. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed
it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to
the bathroom "Wow !" commented Dr. Smith. "That's incredible !" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith
called Ed's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Ed
is doing fine. Physically . . . he's great. But,
I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God.
Is it true that he gets up during the night and .
. . poof ! . . . the light goes on in the bathroom, and
then when he is through Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God ! He's been peeing in the refrigerator again !" Weekend Fun . . ! An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. She was very well endowed. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll
take it !" "I know," said the old man,
"but can you imagine the weekend I had ?" Golf Date . . ! Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, "Let's do it ! We'll make it a priority . . . figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning." Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course. The first guy says, "Boy this game cost me a fortune ! I bought my wife a diamond ring so big that she can't take her eyes off it." Number 2 guy says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." Number 3 guy says "Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual." They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas ! Its a great morning for either sex or golf !' . . . . . . and she said, "Take a sweater !" The Mirror . . ! After living in the remote wilderness of Arkansas all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him, "How about that ! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his daddy, but on the way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly Bitch he's runnin' around with !" The Old Feelings . . ! After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side. Then he suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. But why did you stop ?' "I found the remote," he mumbled. Medicare . . ! The phone rings and the lady of the house answers. "Hello." "Mrs. Ward, please." "Speaking" "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible." "What do you mean ?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously. "Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's, and the other one tested positive for gonorhea. We can't tell which your husband is." "That's dreadful ! Can't you do the test again ?" asked Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time." "Well, what am I supposed to do now ?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him." Grandma's Tip . . ! Grandma and Grandpa were visiting their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive". "How much ?" asked Grandpa. "$ 10.00 a pill," answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to try one, and before we leave in the morning, I'll put the money under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110..00 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and said, "I told you each pill was $10.00, not $110.00." "I know," said Grandpa. "The hundred is from Grandma !" The Dentist . . ! Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old ? Well you'll love this one. My name is Alice Smith and I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then ? Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan park high school "Yes . . . Yes, I did. I'm a Mustang," he gleamed with pride "When did you graduate ?" I asked. "In 1959. Why do you ask ?" "You were in my class !" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, bald wrinkled, fat, gray, decrepit son-of-a bitch asked . . . "What did you teach ?" Staying Young in Mind . . ! Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went to Taunton and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a Parking Warden writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break ?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So my wife called him a ****head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age. Things I Learnt from my Grandchildren . . ! 1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 3 bedroomed bungalow 4 inches deep. 2. If you spray hair spray on clumps of dog hair and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite. 3. A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant. 4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 3 stone boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room. 5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way. 6. The glass in windows, (even double glazed), doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan. 7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh", it's already too late. 8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke - and lots of it. 9. A six-year-old can start a fire with
a flint even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do that
it in the films. A magnifying 10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old. 11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence. 12. Super glue is forever. 13. No matter how much Jelly you put in a paddling pool you still can't walk on water. 14. Pool filters do not like Jelly. 15. VCR's do not eject Jam sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do. 16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes. 17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving. 18. You probably do not want to know what that odour is. 19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens. 20. The fire brigade in our town has a 10 minute response time. 21. The spin cycle on the washing machine
does not make earth worms dizzy. It will however
make cats dizzy and cats vomit twice A Conspiracy against the Elderly . . ! THIS IS HAPPENING RIGHT HERE IN OUR OWN COUNTRY. We Must Stop This Immediately ! Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become ! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time. If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face. What do they think I am, a lip reader ? I also think the youth are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognise me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection . . . well, REALLY NOW . . . even mirrors are not made the way they used to be. Another thing, everyone drives so fast
these days ! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull
onto the motorway in front of them. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized
these days. Why else would they suddenly start labelling
a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20 ? The people who make bathroom scales
are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually
"believe" the number I see on that dial ? All I can do is pass along this warning: WE ARE UNDER ATTACK. Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED. Elderly Thoughts . . ! Does this ring any bells ? Just before the funeral services the undertaker came up to the elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband ? "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it ? * * * * * Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104 ?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure !" * * * * * The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs . * * * * * I've sure gotten old ! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes; I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank God, I still have my driver's license. * * * * * I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. By the time I got my leotard on, the class was over. * * * * * An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Walmart. "Walmart ?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Walmart ?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week !" * * * * * My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be. * * * * * Know how to prevent sagging ? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out. * * * * * It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker. * * * * * These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief !" * * * * * Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, . . . You grow old because you stop laughing. THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway . . . the good fortune to run into the ones I do . . . and the eyesight to tell the difference ! Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are ! Oh and I've just found an Easter Egg !!!! A Classic Grouchy-Old-Man . . ! While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left and resumed their trip. However, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around -- in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her -- the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her .. "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card." Peanuts . . ! A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself ?" "We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied. The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then ?" The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate coating". The Organist . . ! Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom ! When she returned with tea and scones,
they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his
curiosity about the bowl of water and its 'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful ? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter !' Flower Show . . ! Two little old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. The thin one leaned over and said, "Life is so darned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show !" "You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill. The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked, as fast as an old lady can, through the front door of the flower show. Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling, naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd. "What happened ?" asked her waiting friend. "I won 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement !" Snip . . ! A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill flies out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag . . ." "Damn !" says the little old lady . . . "I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. I was on my way to the bank to make a deposit. Thanks for the warning !" "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money ? Did you steal it ?" "Oh, No," says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds ! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingie through the bushes, I yell: "'$20 . . . or off it comes !'" "Hey, not a bad idea !" laughs the cop. "Good luck ! By the way, what's in the other bag ?" "Well," says the little old lady . . . "not all of them pay !" Old Friends . . ! A fellow was invited to the home of some old friends for dinner. His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. The guest was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his friend, "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those lovey names." The old guy hung his head. "To tell you the truth, I forgot her name about ten years ago !" Rye Bread . . ! Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He asked, "Do you have any rye bread ?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some ?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves . . . by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this but me." Exercise for the Elderly . . ! I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy,so I thought I'd pass it on. The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks. Silence is Golden . . ! An elderly couple were attending a church service. About half way through she leans over and says to her husband "I just let out a silent fart . . . what do you think I should do ?" He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid". Viagra . . ! An old man goes into a chemist to buy some Viagra . . . "Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters ? " " I can cut them for you " said the chemist " but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection. " " I am 96 " said the old man . " I don't want an erection . I just want it sticking out far enough so I dont pee on my slippers ! " An elderly couple were getting ready for bed when the husband says, "Maybe tonight you should go bra-less" His wife smiles and says "Do you think my breasts are still good enough for me to not wear a bra ?" He says," No, but it might help take the wrinkles out of your face !" There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients ? I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk . . . The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today ?" "There's something wrong with my dick", he replied. The Receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that." "Why not ? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said. The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something, and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private." The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man then walked out . . . waited several minutes and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes ?" "There's something wrong with my ear", he stated. The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir ?" "I can't piss out of it," he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose ! 45 Years . . ! After nearly 45 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the missus felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent. As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'Honey, that was wonderful. Why did you stop ?' 'Found the remote,' he mumbled. Therapy . . ! A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you ?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse ?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out ?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house . . . I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90; the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50 and I get $43 back from Medicare." A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied. 'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered. She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.' 'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came !' Phonetics . . ! An elderly couple, both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided
it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding,
they went out to dinner and had a long "How do you feel about sex ?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say . . . I would like it infrequently" The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses and leaned over towards her and whispered "Is that one word or two ?" |